Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
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My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”