@Bob_Heller: Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
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@david8hughes: [at the pet store] Me: I'd like a baby lizard please [later at home] Me: isn't he cute? Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
@batkaren: [5:30AM] BRAIN: I'll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don't wake up. BODY: I'll just clip my head on the door frame.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
@FrenulumBreve: Crocodile: "See ya later alligator." Alligator: "yeah, I don't do that anymore Jeff."