Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
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What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
g
a
r
d
e
n
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Name another movie that mislead you?
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast