Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
You Might Also Like
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.