@TheMichaelRock: Sorry, I just got your text. Do you still need a ride to the ER?
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@Donnie_Fairburn: [trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine] vending machine: i have a boyfriend
@PyrBliss: If you've ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven't seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
@UncleDuke1969: Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up? Me: Yeah. Wife: Good. Me: Why? Wife: No reason. Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: Here, taste this.
@House_Feminist: Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you're so quiet it's hard to tell if you're turned on