Unsolicited sandwich pics.
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[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”