All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
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To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Well. That’s not a good sign.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.