Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
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why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime