Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
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[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.