Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
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IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Spell check is for lasers.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.