Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
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And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable