Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
You Might Also Like
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
…żyje?
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Still cracks me up
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
me when the borders lift
normalize having existential bread
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.