Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
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Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!