Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
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I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
cause of death:
autopsy.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Room with a view.
they really do be looking like this
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.