me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
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New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago