Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
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You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Brother?
Sign at work today
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.