Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
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Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.