@weinerdog4life: Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
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@beefman138: Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I'm guessing it's the same place you're going.
@BoogTweets: Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar? Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I'm serious, it's just for crows.
@onion_an: [1st day as criminal sketch artist] Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t.... Me: I'm gonna need a longer sheet of paper
@Elizasoul80: Trump, 2 years into his presidency: "What do you mean we can't just file for bankruptcy?"