@weinerdog4life: Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
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@catcerveny: Me: Dude, back off. You're totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym. H: You do realize I'm your husband, right?
@iwearaonesie: So important your wife knows you're petting the dog when she hears you say "you're getting a little chunky"
@SteveSuckington: "Sorry my phone died" -something I've said 5,326 times but it's never actually happened
@zachv86: I will not mess up this omelet.. I will not mess up this omelet.. I will not mess up this omelet.. I will enjoy my scrambled eggs.