Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea