Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
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NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.