@E_lok44: Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can't knit.
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@juliussharpe: Forgot we bought a Christmas tree. Woke up at 2 a.m., went to pee, thought it was a guy and almost called the cops on it.
@qwertying: Husband: Why are there broken condoms on our couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.