Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
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i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.