Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
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When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.