Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
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If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Why is no one talking about this?!
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.