@Kendragarden: Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
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@duumb: Me: Dammit I'm not gonna let you die on my watch Her: *chokes* It's too late Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It's a Rolex.
@TragicAllyHere: *wear too little makeup* People: you look tired *wear too much makeup* People: why are you trying so hard *start a fire* People: calm down
@thepunningman: [Restaurant] "Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?" Yes please "THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN"
@Pundamentalism: The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.