Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
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inventing words: clothing
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”