Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
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[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
he’s doing your taxes
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Care for your back
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.