My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
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coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.