I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
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I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.