Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
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where the womens at?
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.