Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
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*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.