Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
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I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”