Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
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“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
boat question
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.