SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
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My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Hey I worked for it too!
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*