SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
You Might Also Like
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?