@QwertyJones3: Sorry I replied "yikes" to your selfie.
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@BoozeWallet: [walking through park with date] Did u know there's more vitamin C in pine needles than in an orange [blood is just pouring from my mouth]
@gerryhallcomedy: My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage. Breakfast is weird at my house.
@TheAlexNevil: The Mrs recognizes my "tell" when I've seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud "A-OOGA" noise.