Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
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Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
he was correct
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.