@QwertyJones3: Sorry I replied "yikes" to your selfie.
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@narcoticpanda: *gets hit by a car* Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?" Me: "Please... I need my... phone" *opens Twitter* Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
@staceys55: Police: "You were going fast." Me: "I was trying to keep up with traffic." Police: "There isn't any." Me: "That's how far behind I am!"
@Dani_Feld: I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.