Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
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rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
set yourself free xox
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset