visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
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Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.