Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
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“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
These are too funny not to post 😂
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No