@DaddyJew: Sorry I ruined your surprise party by telling everyone it was an intervention
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@dreamthievin: I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago. *sigh He's never gonna let me down.
@TheBoydP: There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
@LizHackett: "Excuse the mess; we had guests," I graciously explain, leaving out the "five months ago" part.
@squirrel74wkgn: Sorry honey, I didn't get you anything for Valentine's Day. Wife: It's not until next week... [one week later] Sorry honey, I didn't...