me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
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The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.