Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
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Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.