Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
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[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.