@Reverend_Scott: Sorry I said, "Whoa, hope he's good at math." when you showed me your kid's finger painting.
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@thetits: Guarantees in life: 1) death 2) taxes 3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
@Fred_Delicious: "guns don't kill people, guns CREATE people!" *fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*
@LethargicLife: Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani? Me: Thanks! It's Febreze. I just took a dump.
@ZaynabHashem2: 2017 whatsapp notification: Linda read your message and texted Morissa and they decided to go to McDonalds without you