Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
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My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
im all 3
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.