Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
You Might Also Like
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.