Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
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Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
john wicks are toilet candles
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!