Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
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police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.