I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
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one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.