Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
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Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
True statement👍😏😁
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band