@brennadine: Sorry I said your mom's beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
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@dubstep4dads: [sees kid crying] Kid: Im lost Me: that's ok. We're all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
@DonSchanke: For once I would like to find a babysitter that doesn't get all upset when she gets to my house and realizes I don't have kids
@iLikeCatShirts: Dealer: Anyone follow you dude? Me: just my cat *dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out* Mom: why are you using drugs???