Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
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waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
You deplete me
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
we did it you guys we saved daylight
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar