@Underchilde: Sorry I stuck a cheese puff in your baby’s mouth when you couldn’t find a pacifier.
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@Douchekevin: SHHHHH!!!!!!! I just got followed by a Jehovah Witness. All of you keep quiet and pretend we aren't home...
@QwertyJones3: [Halftime speech] Ok guys, we're down 56-0, but I see the problem. There's a typo in my game plan. It should say "tackle", not "tickle".
@Sickayduh: Me: *goes to jail for murdering coworkers* Boss: You're still coming in early tomorrow, right?
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: *gets all four daughters dressed* Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses. Me: But- Wife: Everyone. Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*