@Underchilde: Sorry I stuck a cheese puff in your baby’s mouth when you couldn’t find a pacifier.
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@Tw1tter_K1tten: My cat's name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw "Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda"
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they've only known her a couple of minutes.
@Reverend_Scott: I'm tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I'm pullin' the plug. "...hi pullin' the plug, I'm da-" *pulls the plug*