son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
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Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Had to try this trend 😊
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
My brain is a bad influence on me
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.