My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
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(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
2022: I can fix it
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
the way this pissed me off… 😭
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep