Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
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I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Taliband
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Lmaoo 😂
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
ouch
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS