Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
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Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
nyc:
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.