Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
You Might Also Like
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row