Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
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I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
If you want my opinion ask my wife
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?